Another Day....

I'm back, and I know that I have a few people reading this "new" blog, leave comments if you want people. Any way, its going on mid-week and just feeling down. I know where my focus has to be at this point. A lot of tests are coming my way. Its almost like a storm, I can see the clouds, its starting to get colder and the wind is picking up. There are people in my life right now that are great support. I have family that have went through divorce and I know there encouragement will help, but what are words, if I can't put them into a working role in my life. I look at my kids and say to myself, "this will payoff, not without trials and tests, but never less, I need to make this work for the kids."
Amanda and I got into an argument tonight, its tough cause there are a lot of emotions flowing from both sides. I then told her I wasn't going to help her while she was off at school, kind of an ass thing to do. She will need my help (which I have told her I would) to make it through this trying time. I mean the pain she shows when she talks about leaving for school and only seeing the kids on the weekend. She is just having a hard time. BUT, at this stage in our lives this needs to be done. She needs this education for not only her, but for the kids. It will pay off in the end.
OK now that I went of on a la la path I'm back. The tests are kinda the thing that scares me the most. I don't like not knowing the unknown, if that makes sense. I need to surround myself with people who are going to be a positive support and truly there to help me, not themselves. I kinda feel bad for Amanda too tho. She is going off to school and she will be away from all family and friends. She will be in the unknown. I sure hope she keeps her eyes pointed straight for the goal and I hope she doesn't drift.
As I watch the time on the cable box tick away, I look over to the other side of our couch. There sits Amanda, laughing at some stuff on Seinfeld (always hated that show before she came along), her laugh has always brought me a sense of comfort. She once told me, that I feel like home, well, her smile, laugh, voice, and everything feels like home. Now 5 minutes has passed, and its five minutes I will never get back with her. Its five minutes that has faded into the unknown, its five minutes that I cant get back to tell her I'm sorry for all the problems.
These are MYtrueTHOUGHTS

The fear of failing

Wow, well here I am on a Sunday night. A tough day, really tough day. Today, I and Amanda (wife) told my family that we are getting a divorce. Five years married on Sept 18. What to say, speechless I guess. I have the sick feeling in my gut. Knowing what I have done in this relationship preventing it from going to a healthy, strong relationship.

I have always had a hard time putting Amanda first. She and I have hit many walls. Those walls were built by lack of trust, hurt, anger, fear and deep past issues.

Divorce is a tough subject and Amanda and I, have in no way figured this out. What we did figure out is how this will go. She will go to the U of M and go on campus, I will get custody of the kids (primary) until she is done with school, where we will then discuss the whole situation again. I have a lot of hurt right now. Why did I make these choices? Why did I choose to follow my eyes instead of my heart? Selfishness I suppose is the only answer to those questions.

Right now on my computer plays the song Superman by Five for Fighting, ironic. Amanda never expected me to be superman tho. She just wanted to trust me. I guess it was like pulling teeth with me too. Trust. Trust? TRUST!

Trust is what needed to build a TRUE relationship. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. With out trust, there is no freedom. BUT never put your hope and trust in man. No man/woman will fill that part of your heart.

As I continue this blog, I am going to write about all the issues with being a single dad, being divorced and living in the consequences of my choices.

THESE ARE MYtrueTHOUGHTS