Where's my "rock bottom"?

So these last few days have been a friggin wreck to say the least. I have been caught up in some choices I have made and have hurt people again.. Way to go Josh, you make me so proud... Amanda and I have the papers and found out that the cost of a divorce is going to cost more than thought, but like the very "bright" say, "look at all the money your saving not using lawyers." Hey, people, "look how much I care about the so called lawyer money." God, Amanda would always tell me that it seemed like I was always about money, on many levels, I have been. But, EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY. It cost money to replace, it cost money to keep on, it cost money to keep running. So, in the end, PEOPLE ARE ABOUT MONEY, if your not, then STOPPING EATING OUT, STOP PAYING BILLS, STOP BUYING CLOTHES, STOP BUYING GIFTS AND STOP LIVING. Man, its silly I guess but yeah. Need to type here and move on to my topic.....

Where is my rock bottom? Um, I guess on many levels I have different "rock bottoms". I have many issues and things that bind me (I AM NOT WRITING THIS TO HAVE SOMEONE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GOD RIGHT NOW) and keep me from becoming who I'm suppose to be. I have critics out there who think I'm a total mess up. That matters a bit but, I am my biggest critic. I'm harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. But still, you have those, who have their own ISSUES that feel like they can look down on me, or say things about me. Two face people I guess. Then if I have the "b@*ls" to say something, then it becomes a battle of wills, which is never good. My rock bottom in other area's has come. Some havent at this point came. I know that if I dont start pressing into a pure heart change, then I will meet my rock bottom in those area's too. I can't get away with anything, I am always found out, and if I'm not found out, I tell on myself. Conviction helps out a lot too, but then some ask, "why doesn't your conviction help in making the choice?" To that I say, "don't know!" That is it..
So in ending, where is my rock bottom? I don't plan on seeing or feeling another one.

This was just MYtrueTHOUGHTS

Passing.......by....

Wow its late. 12:30 am.. This is the latest I have stayed up for a long time. Well, back in my "smoking" days this was early I guess.. Well the papers are back for the second time. I hope these brain surgeons get it right this time. I mean what do I expect tho, I only paid $250 for a divorce, saving myself thousands of dollars. Its been tough these last few days. Lots of mini and major fights. Sometimes the thought of divorce makes me sick to my core, then other days its like a feeling a freedom.
I understand that this is not going like Amanda and I thought it would. "Easy", is what we thought, ya know, like we had it all planned out and this is what we would do, this is what we would say, and all the other crap that we like to believe in "our" perfect plan.
None of that has really came into play..
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just need to breath.....

Hello, let me introduce you to
The characters in the show
One says yes, one says no
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive

Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

Hello, are you still chasing
The memories in shadows
Some stay young, some grow old
Come alive, there are thoughts unclear
You can never hide

Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

Hello
Hello...
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
Brand my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to
Hello...
Hello...
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

Love that song... Any way.. I need bed and bed needs me.. Good Night and um, Good morning
These were MYtrueTHOUGHTS

Another Day....

I'm back, and I know that I have a few people reading this "new" blog, leave comments if you want people. Any way, its going on mid-week and just feeling down. I know where my focus has to be at this point. A lot of tests are coming my way. Its almost like a storm, I can see the clouds, its starting to get colder and the wind is picking up. There are people in my life right now that are great support. I have family that have went through divorce and I know there encouragement will help, but what are words, if I can't put them into a working role in my life. I look at my kids and say to myself, "this will payoff, not without trials and tests, but never less, I need to make this work for the kids."
Amanda and I got into an argument tonight, its tough cause there are a lot of emotions flowing from both sides. I then told her I wasn't going to help her while she was off at school, kind of an ass thing to do. She will need my help (which I have told her I would) to make it through this trying time. I mean the pain she shows when she talks about leaving for school and only seeing the kids on the weekend. She is just having a hard time. BUT, at this stage in our lives this needs to be done. She needs this education for not only her, but for the kids. It will pay off in the end.
OK now that I went of on a la la path I'm back. The tests are kinda the thing that scares me the most. I don't like not knowing the unknown, if that makes sense. I need to surround myself with people who are going to be a positive support and truly there to help me, not themselves. I kinda feel bad for Amanda too tho. She is going off to school and she will be away from all family and friends. She will be in the unknown. I sure hope she keeps her eyes pointed straight for the goal and I hope she doesn't drift.
As I watch the time on the cable box tick away, I look over to the other side of our couch. There sits Amanda, laughing at some stuff on Seinfeld (always hated that show before she came along), her laugh has always brought me a sense of comfort. She once told me, that I feel like home, well, her smile, laugh, voice, and everything feels like home. Now 5 minutes has passed, and its five minutes I will never get back with her. Its five minutes that has faded into the unknown, its five minutes that I cant get back to tell her I'm sorry for all the problems.
These are MYtrueTHOUGHTS

The fear of failing

Wow, well here I am on a Sunday night. A tough day, really tough day. Today, I and Amanda (wife) told my family that we are getting a divorce. Five years married on Sept 18. What to say, speechless I guess. I have the sick feeling in my gut. Knowing what I have done in this relationship preventing it from going to a healthy, strong relationship.

I have always had a hard time putting Amanda first. She and I have hit many walls. Those walls were built by lack of trust, hurt, anger, fear and deep past issues.

Divorce is a tough subject and Amanda and I, have in no way figured this out. What we did figure out is how this will go. She will go to the U of M and go on campus, I will get custody of the kids (primary) until she is done with school, where we will then discuss the whole situation again. I have a lot of hurt right now. Why did I make these choices? Why did I choose to follow my eyes instead of my heart? Selfishness I suppose is the only answer to those questions.

Right now on my computer plays the song Superman by Five for Fighting, ironic. Amanda never expected me to be superman tho. She just wanted to trust me. I guess it was like pulling teeth with me too. Trust. Trust? TRUST!

Trust is what needed to build a TRUE relationship. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. With out trust, there is no freedom. BUT never put your hope and trust in man. No man/woman will fill that part of your heart.

As I continue this blog, I am going to write about all the issues with being a single dad, being divorced and living in the consequences of my choices.

THESE ARE MYtrueTHOUGHTS